Having bitched about the assholes who think they are above everyone else in traffic and think they can do whatever the hell they want, here are some more rules for traffic etiquette.
On the Road:
We all know we have some seriously crappy drivers out there and we need to make their lives as uncomfortable as possible when they drive like idiots.
Here are some ideas.
When you see people cutting into lanes , not indicating , not saying “thank you” for being let in to traffic , express your disgust at their behaviour by using the tools in your car – Lights and hooter!
Flash your lights vigorously and aggressively at these fuck wits and give them the message loud and clear!
Hoot if they push in , and make sure you clearly indicate your displeasure at their driving….
Consider yourself a parent educating and disciplining ill mannered children so that they may learn the ways of the righteous driver and become safer on the roads.
For some drivers , especially those in luxury cars that have the letters BMW , this segment may come as a bit of a shock.
Every car has indicators , yes , even yours…its the lever / button / paddle on the side of the driving console with two little arrows on it…and when you push the lever / button / paddle , you will see a little green arrow flashing on your dashboard..
What’s even more amazing is that the designers of your car are so clever , that they can make those arrows flash either left or right on your dashboard AND the indicator lights ( the little orange ones on the backside of your car) at the same time!
Technology is an amazing thing!
But here is the shocking part- those little arrows were actually put there on purpose! Yes ! On Purpose! They actually have a function !
And no , making your car look like a flashing Christmas tree or night club is not it!
They are there to tell other drivers behind you which direction you are turning or which lane you are trying to get into!
I know – shock and horror!
Let the reaction subside…
Ok , so here’s how they work…Indicators are the car’s expression of “please may I come into your lane?” or ” Hi there fellow driver , I am telling you that I want to turn at this road…so be aware and please don’t drive into me when I do so.”
WOW! A real time direction and communication tool! What will they think of next?!
Here’s the thing – when you use them properly and timeously ( BEFORE YOU CHANGE LANES OR TURN – NOT AFTER OR DURING) , other drivers respond in a different way than what you may be used to…
Their teeth show ( but not a growl) in a smile and their hand gesture ( not the one-fingered one you may be used to) is a courteous wave..
You see , indicating is polite , respectful and humble…It shows you have respect for other road user to communicate to them where you intend to move your One ton vehicle travelling at speed in a way that will not endanger anyone else or yourself in the process.
And , when you do indicate and someone let’s you in – you may have this urge to raise your hand in response – it’s called gratitude to the person who let you in – you are saying “Thank you.”
Then a truly amazing thing happens – they wave back to say “you are welcome.”
Isn’t that a massive change from what you are used to?
Indicators truly can change the world!
So please use them!
Rule of thumb – if you indicate , people will let you in.
When people let you in – Say “Thank you.”
It’s what we teach our kids – “please ” and “thank you” – isn’t it?
First off, for all of you our there enjoying the latest Colombian Baby Powder, the white lines on the parking bays are not to be snorted!
The idea is to park the car Between the lines …difficult as this may be to understand , this is how they are designed.
It is truly incredible to see how drivers today , with all the park assist technology and on board cameras , still cannot park their fucking cars between the lines in a parking bay!
It seems to be particularly bad with the SUV and luxury car drivers..
What? Is you car to fucking big or expensive to take the extra time just to park it straight so that people next to you can get in and out of their cars without having to force themselves into a sardine space?
This is why your cars get scratched in parking lots – BECAUSE YOU PARK LIKE MORONS!
So , here is a simple tip for parking right.
When you are going to park in a bay, line your car up so that it fits RIGHT in the MIDDLE of the bay – with equal line space on both sides, this way you will have enough space for you and others to get in and out safely..
If you have been a victim of this , then please be proactive and write the asshole a note to express your disgust at their parking skills – or lack thereof.
It’s the only way these fuckers are going to learn.
This is really simple.
Unless you are disabled or transporting disable people – DON’T FUCKING PARK IN THESE BAYS!
If you do , you are a selfish poes and you deserve to be flogged!
Disabled people have the right to park closest and your selfish inconsideration “I’m just going in quickly to…(whatever)” is just a lazy bullshit excuse !
Unless your car has a disabled sticker on it – YOU DON’T EVER PARK THERE!
As people of Joburg , we really and truly despise you assholes that drive as if you are above the law! So pull your head out of your ass and come right , or you are going to be flashed and hooted at A Lot till you do!
And that’s the Joburg Truth.